I'm so sorry. It sucks when you're in public and people stare and judge your parenting abilities. Kids cry for a variety of reasons, yet their dirty glares suggest that you're the one to blame. We're here to assure you that it's a lot more complicated than that. In fact, there's a whole subfield of psychology called "behavior sciences" yet we still have so much to understand about children. We hope this article not only helps you feel better, but also gives you the tools you need to better your communication with your child. 

Before we start, I'd like to introduce myself! I'm Ellen from www.PopFun.com, and I graduated with my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology from UC Irvine and obtained my Master's Degree in Behavior Sciences from Pepperdine University. I've worked with kids who have autism for 3 years, both in school & home settings. I hope you enjoy! If you have any questions, you can always email me at socialmedia@popfun.com. I love questions on behavior psychology! ❤

1. If they tend to run away before they finish their homework, place them into the corner of the room and sit in front of them. You and the table should be a good cornering mechanism.
2. Tailor the environment so that there are less distractions. This is a great time to tidy up. 
3. Create an activity schedule so that they know EXACTLY what is next, and for how long they have to sit. 

Ahhh, the good old LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!! 

This is one of the more "popular" behavior functions out of the 4. This could look like aggression (i.e. smacking family & friends), screaming, crying, property destruction, cracking jokes to get their peers laughing, eye contact, and more. 

Unfortunately, if your kid is a future Leonardo DiCaprio kind of a great actor, the believability of their whining and attention-seeking behavior could actually trick you and cause you concern. However, it is not just concern that is attention. Reprimanding your child and telling them "NO" is something that counts as attention, too. 

I'm serious-- know the function, and you'll know how to respond. We'll go more into depth on how to respond! 

1. Don't look at them. This is the number 1 mistake I saw while managing therapists! I know this is hard to do, and it's inevitable, you are trying so see what they're up to... but this is exactly what they want. 
2. Don't say their name. Whether you say it kindly or angrily, this is ALL considered ATTENTION!!!!! 
3. Don't touch them. Touch is still a form of attention. Simply walk away if you need to. 

1. Use the Premack Principle, also known as "Grandma's Rule": "FIRST ______, THEN _______." Concise instructions are a much more effective discriminatory stimulus/demand. 
2. Activity Schedule: Let them know exactly when they will have access to whatever they're trying to have access to. 
3. Set TIMERS. Timers are incredibly effective visual stimulus to let kids know when to hold out. Remind them of how much more time they need. Allow them to press the start timer and set the reward for when the timer rings! Fade out the rewards over time. They should not be doing work solely for the rewards. 

Automatic is the need to fulfill a sensory need or an automatic, bodily response, like going to the bathroom.

The automatic function is going to the bathroom, drinking water after eating something salty, the satisfaction of washing your hands after they're dirty. 

Some children who may have autism may rock back and forth, flap their hands, skin pick, or make new/repetitive sounds to fulfill their sensory needs. These behaviors require a BCBA to set up a treatment plan that will best replace any harmful or socially inappropriate behaviors. 

1. Satiate kids' needs beforehand
2. Use automatic needs as reinforcement: For example, if my goal is to teach them to use a straw, I will give them salty Goldfish so that they will be motivated to drink water through the straw to satisfy their automatic needs.
3. Activity schedule: Give them the exact schedule so kids know exactly when they can satiate these needs and plan accordingly / beforehand

Let's break it down!

➕Positive - the ADDITION of a stimulus 
➖ Negative - the REMOVAL of a stimulus 

Reinforcement - the likelihood that the target behavior will be increased or strengthened. 

A lot of people misunderstand that "positive reinforcement" is synonymous to "anything good" when really, it is not. Yes, high fives, social praise, and all of these good things are considered "positive" in terms of mood and feeling, but in this sense, "positive" describes the ADDITION of a STIMULUS. Remember, this stuff is scientific, no feelings! 😝 

On the other hand, negative reinforcement is the removal of a stimulus to increase the likelihood of a particular behavior increasing. For example, opening an umbrella on a rainy day. You are REMOVING the stimulus (rain) to increase the likelihood of you staying dry. If it works (let's hope there aren't any holes in your umbrella, haha!), you'll most likely do it again. 

So how does this apply to getting your stubborn kids to listen? 👀 

Both types of reinforcement should happen IMMEDIATELY after their response. The more immediate, the more effective it is. Reinforcement should also be very enthusiastic and frequently. I could go into reinforcement schedules and intervals, but that's a topic for another time! 

All in all, do it quickly to pair their behavior and your consequence together. If you are using food to reward them, you don't have to worry about over-feeding them if you are delivering these edibles in tiny bits and pieces! But make sure they are LARGE enough to be a reinforcer. If they're too small, they're going to lose interest pretty quickly. 

Also, do be aware that preferences can change quickly. So have plenty of options ready at hand, nearby, but out of their reach. 

Here, "positive" and "negative" mean the same thing as they do in reinforcement.

Just to recap: 

Positive means the ADDITION of a stimulus, and negative means the REMOVAL of a stimulus. 

Punishment here does not mean "abuse" or "harm." This is commonly mistaken as such.

➕ So what is positive punishment?➕ 

If you add more chores to your child's list when they neglect their responsibilities, this is adding stimulus to decrease the likelihood of them forgetting their responsibilities. 

➖ And what is negative punishment?➖ 

If you take away the cookies they stole along with their favorite stuffed animals, you are REMOVING stimulus to decrease the likelihood of them stealing those cookie again. They'll lose cookies AND their stuffed animals? Heck no!! It's not worth it for them anymore. 

How does this apply to getting your kids to listen?

Well, it works if you are positively paired with your child. You're probably thinking, I'm not paired with my kid? I gave birth to them! HOWEVER there are some kids who don't see their parents often, or associate their parents with hard work and aversive things like homework and chores. Make sure that you do have a good relationship with your kids so that the demands you give them don't have to resort to punishment all the time. In fact, in clinical ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis, in case you forgot!), therapists deliver reinforcement ONLY. Many companies do not believe that punishment and other forms of controversial "behavior modification techniques" are even effective at all for kids.

This builds off of 04 Kind But Firm. 

The more you are kind and reinforcing, the more you will pair with them. If you are always catching them doing something wrong, they will associate your presence with "did I do something wrong?" and I don't know about you, but I think that'd be incredibly sad. By the time you actually want to help them, your relationship with them has already gone downhill. They won't open up to you about things you need them to. 

So start early, and reinforce them-- immediately & enthusiastically. Reinforce good behaviors. Be consistent on follow through and show that your standards and rules are reasonable so they should not be bent or changed in any way.